what if every blade of grass was a penis?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
my liver is dry heaving
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize