Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
