I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I met the friendliest cop last night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
