Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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