nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
