remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
