I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
