i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
