We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
