If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
