Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
