I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
