I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
