I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
