K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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