Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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