tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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