got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
how does that bad decision feel?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
