i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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