Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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