He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have feelings that need drinking.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize