i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
