Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just want nice things and good sex
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
