I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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