I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
