the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
