I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
