I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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