I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
