If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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