I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
