Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
