high people should be assigned attendants
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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