i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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