does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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