Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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