I'm sorry my penis didn't work
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
