If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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