Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
