Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
