i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize