I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
