I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize