i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
