Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
