Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
