I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
