I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This is my gift to your gina
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
