I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Text me some of your sweat
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
