i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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