I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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