So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
