I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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