im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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