Non-Jews are for practice
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize