I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
