i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
