i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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