Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
