on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
