I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
