Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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