I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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