one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
