Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
