Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
