TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
