I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
