I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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