Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
