Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
