It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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