remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
